Oh, the many ways I struggle to compose a thoughtful and coherent post. This is the reason I post so infrequently, if you wanted to know. My thoughts on birth, doula-hood, life, just seem so nebulous and contradictory at times that I could surely sit here for hours in the effort to explain even a small portion of these thoughts with any clarity.
This week has been particularly interesting in several ways.
On one afternoon I was driving my car, feeling the warm sun through the window, completely content with my role in birth and my experience of doula-hood over the years. Today I am frustrated, cranky, and frankly weepy over exactly the same things.
I have twice tried in the last two days, with likely imperfect results, to explain my philosophy of birth - once to potential clients who want a doula dedicated enough to unmedicated birth to enthusiastically invest in their birth plans (I am!), and once to a convince a new doula-to-be, who seemed initially to misunderstand me entirely, that I recognize the need for medical intervention when necessary (I do!). Over the years I have in one moment thoughtfully explained the merits and safety of homebirth with a midwife to folks who think the very idea is suicide or homicide or both, and then turned to defend both elective cesarean and unassisted homebirth to some of my fellow birth professionals.
I feel it is my very lack of judgment for others and their choices, my empathic tendency to emotionally walk in another's shoes, that has always been my greatest strength as a doula. This has been no small feat for me as I grew up in a very black and white world, theologically speaking, and found great comfort and superiority in the belief that I was right and other people were wrong. Having worked through the process of changing that belief system, I am now seemingly presented with people who want to make sure I'm judgmental enough (in either one direction or the complete opposite direction) to align with their world view. With so many areas of weakness as a doula (and believe me I have those), why is this one strength giving me so much grief at the moment? Today that question is totally bringing me down.
